A cover letter from a master copywriter

I was looking for an old press release in my Dropbox this morning, and stumbled across this gem from old  friend and master copywriter, Johnny B, who passed away last year at the age of 45. And in the words of one of my mentors, “You are in the presence of a master. Prepare to be taken for a ride!”

– Nate Wright –

 This is a letter I’ve sent to prospective employers

Dear Sirs, 

     My name is Johnny B and I’m an award winning writer, a decorated filmmaker and a tri-lingual illustrator. I sirs, am a man who knows his goats. However none of this has helped me with the fact that I am freezing to death.

     You see the recent economic downturn has hit me rather hard and the heat in my place has been shut off ever since my unemployment ran out six years ago. On the plus side I am an experienced writer/filmmaker and am certain that if I properly application I will soon be able to parley my talents , and therefore myself, into the ranks of the gainfully employed. Until the arrival of this that day comes I have instituted a In the meantime in order to stave off the icy tendrils of death I have instituted a plan of controlled combustion (i.e. I burn things). This plan has served me well. That is, until recently. For I can find no trees, shrubs, mailboxes, welcome mats or squirrels within a ten block radius of my building. I fear that others are following my business model. This development has forced me to convert most my assets in order to stay afloat.

     Last month I “converted” my wooden bedroom set, the bathroom door and my Franklin Mint Ross Perot Keepsake Condom collection(the front door I can’t convert  or my Super might notice). The carpet I converted last week. It gave off a pretty good heat, but it smelled kind of weird, and now the phone keeps ringing even though it’s been shut off for the past six months. I’ve since run out of such assets and if it wasn’t for the two or three bills that arrive daily I don’t know how I would survive. Which brings me to the point of this letter. It’s beginning to look like my only way out is to pick up some sort of work. Anything will do. Mopping, sweeping, cleaning, even some light writing assignments would suffice. Anything as long as I can afford to have the heat turned back on.

 
Sincerely,
 

– John –

 
P.S. If you don’t like my stuff could you please make your rejection letter as lengthy as possible. Thanks.